Meditations from Zion

Fear is a powerful driver. When we are afraid, we may choose to run… or fight… or stand like a deer in the headlights… or just deny anything is happening at all. If nothing is happening, there is no fear. I see now I have chosen denial all along and it has been like a cloud over my life.

Acts 24:25
As Paul discoursed on righteousness, self-control and the judgment to come, Felix was afraid and said, “That’s enough for now! You may leave. When I find it convenient, I will send for you.”

I am a librarian in a small community and I have many responsibilities including service to teens. I try to go to the local high school once or twice a year to talk about good books to read. Just recently, among the books I brought to share with them was a book entitled After by Amy Efaw. This is a disturbing book about a teenage girl who has a baby in her home (alone), wraps the newborn in a black plastic bag, and then discards it in a dumpster. When arrested, she claims she didn’t even know she was pregnant. Before now, I always thought this was absurd.

But, I have discovered this story is not about unwanted teen pregnancy… it’s about denial. The girl was in such denial she could not accept or believe her pregnancy was possible. And of course, once the child was born, the emotional tearing in her spirit was overwhelming. A person in denial will go to extremes even in the face of staggering evidence.

Isn’t this how sin is perpetuated in our lives? Isn’t this how we justify unfaithfulness? Isn’t this how we enter into unhealthy relationships and stay in them? Isn’t this how we drink too much… smoke too much… eat too much? Isn’t this how we rationalize breaking the law? Isn’t this how we put our pain in a box? Isn’t this how we ignore our past and its impact on our actions today? Isn’t this how we get into debt? Isn’t this the seed that births the lie?

Gad, it’s even possible to be in denial about being in denial.

I am not sure where I am going with all this. But I know one thing: I don’t want to live a life of denial anymore. I want the courage to face and walk in truth. I want the freedom that truth can bring to my life. I want self-acceptance.

These are the true roots of joy…. not happiness per se, but joy.

Oh Jesus, as I am on your Way, open my eyes and give me courage.