A year and a half ago, our church was betrayed by its pastor. We were a vibrant, youthful, trendy, and growing church with a funny and charismatic leader. But his own moral bankruptcy was brought to light, as such things generally are, and all were dismayed. What do we do now?
Many people left the church quickly while some drifted away as the days turned to weeks and the weeks to months. Some stayed, stalwart and determined, to show that this church was not about a single leader. The body of believers is the church etc. And although campuses shriveled and closed, a faithful core remained and now, more or less, the church is revived under new leadership and denominational oversight.
But what about me? The timing could not have been worse because, in truth, I was already pulling away. Despite having been in leadership from the very beginning (2011) and “all in,” as they say, for all of those years, I was changing from within. When my husband died in 2014, the outpouring from the church was remarkable and I am grateful for them and my own faith grounded in Christ. And yet, I found myself searching for a deeper understanding of God through silence and solitude. The upbeat, black box, theater atmosphere of the contemporary church was not easily fitting into this new wine skin.
I was one of those who drifted away with no place to go. I have been a church attender for nearly forty years. Sunday morning without obligations was a surprise to me, a kind of unhurried and lazy rising. In many ways, it was a truer sabbath than rushing out the door by seven a.m. to help set up this or that, attend stand up meetings, fill in for missing teachers, or run AV equipment; in general, work two back to back services wherever help was needed (the dream team).
After several months, I had to ask myself about church: Did I need it? Did I want it? And why? I have friends who have walked away from the institutionalized church and there are many books about giving up the routine of attending church. I knew all of that. And yet, as I began to learn some of the ancient spiritual practices within silence and solitude, mostly done alone, I wanted to share it too. I joined a couple of small groups and attended a few retreats. They were energizing. Was there a church that could do the same? Or could “any” church suffice? Isn’t it really about relationship–between individuals as well as God.
I thought visiting a variety of churches each Sunday would be fun. It’s not. I found myself with a secret checklist: how many people greeted me? Were there any children? How old was everyone? How was the sermon? How many attended? How did they celebrate communion and how often? What buzz words did they use? What clues were in the bulletin? How was the music? Was there anyone there “like” me? Was there diversity? Was the interior attractive? What kind of outreach do they do? Was there an unspoken political agenda? Was there an awareness of current events and acknowledgment of human suffering?
The list got longer each Sunday. It was ridiculous.
In the end, I set most of this checklist aside and stuck to these elements of discernment: Can I be myself in this place without self-editing what I say? Do I experience God’s Presence in this place and within myself while I am there? Can I grow in spiritual formation and discover more about the mystery of the Holy Trinity in this place?
The dilemma is not what this or that church has to offer me but who I am in the church.
Meditations from Zion 
I have felt the same way also asked myself the same questions! I found my answer it was in me all the while !!! hint. Don’t ask who you are in the church. Ask :who is he that’s brings me in the church.?
Irm — This blogpost really spoke to me this morning. After a mid-life career change in answer to God’s call, I spent nearly 20 years leading a church. Working to grow the church according to Christ’s mission to make disciples while also (hopefully) leading its people to spiritual growth and depth. Needless to say, that’s no easy task, and it’s easy to lose one’s sense of call.
In retirement, we have membership in a small Disciples of Christ congregation — partly because I need to maintain my ministerial standing. It’s small and struggling, but their focus is on important social justice issues of the day. In our work with ending gun violence, we visit many churches, doing presentations, preaching, etc. There are notably few that are thriving, and often the work they do is eclipsed by their survival mode instincts that are often contrary to gospel teachings.
I have said frequently since retirement that I’m grateful that I”m no longer part of figuring out how a local church — and the greater Church — will survive, or even if many of them should survive. We attend on Sundays that we can, but feel no guilt/remorse/loss if we opt for family, travel, or brunch.
And yet, I feel as much as I ever have, that I am doing God’s work, answering God’s personal call to me. It’s just not through “organized” church.
So, thanks for this. I pray you will find both the comfort and challenge you are seeking.
Peace –
Kris
Thank you. I appreciate you taking the time to read. And I remain very interested in your journey as well. IB
I really appreciate you sharing your struggles and challenges. I have been through so many different seasons in my life and am finding myself in yet another one currently. I really like what you said about the checklist for church and it is more about how you experience God in the church rather than all they have to “offer” you as the attender. I pray that you will find a place to feel connected both to God and to others because I believe there is value in connecting with others in worship. Love you and wish we were closer so that the grown up me could know you better. Always sad when I think about Mike not being there. Come visit us sometime…
Thanks Dawn. I appreciate you as well. For a better understanding, you might find the book, “Critical Journey” by Janet Hagberg illuminating. Don’t come south much anymore, but one never knows what the days ahead will bring. Maybe you all would like to come to Zambia with me one year to volunteer at the Village of Hope, Zambia. So rewarding.
Im reading this a year after you wrote it but I hear myself in your “quest.” I love “who is he that brings me?’ We attend 4 different churches in different parts of the world – my favorite is Rainbow church in Uganda where I dont know the words to the songs and I cant dance as long as most. Service is as long as people want to worship (Im sure similar to Zambia). 7am to 5pm is not unusual and our guest of honor Jesus.
Thank you for sharing.
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