Wisdom continues to elude me.
Not wanting to repeat myself, I did a small search of my previous blogs on wisdom. I’ve written a lot about wisdom, its mysteries and its manifestations. And yet, I don’t seem any closer.
True wisdom remains elusive; its profound mysteries are remote. Who can discover it?
So I turned and dedicated my heart to knowing more, to digging deeper, to searching harder for wisdom and the reasons things are as they are. I applied myself to understanding the connection between wickedness and folly, between folly and madness. [Ecclesiastes 7:24-25, The Voice]
I look but do not see, I listen but do not understand, I think but do not understand. Or, maybe I do.
The patterns of my life show a lot of impulsiveness that resulted in rather long term consequences. For instance, I accepted Mike’s proposal of marriage after a mere three days and married six months later (even though we lived most of that time 600 miles apart). What was I thinking? Granted, that marriage lasted 31 years, only due to rather fierce faith and determination that I would not divorce again.
Last week, I was part of a interview panel for an open position. One woman struck me in her responses; before every answer, she paused, perhaps three seconds, maybe longer. I don’t know if she was praying or breathing or centering down, but I sensed that moment with her. She was gathering her thoughts and focusing them.
Here was a facet of wisdom in action. Pause.
Back in my acting days, I had the opportunity to perform in a Harold Pinter play. Known for his deep silences and pauses, the role was a huge challenge for a novice actress. I don’t think I ever really understood them or what had to happen in my mind to make them work.
Nonetheless, right now, I am considering such moments as an opportunity for wisdom. She is not a flirt, but a long-term relationship. She is the still small voice. She is the one who makes connections.
Today, I breathe. I pause. I invite wisdom, yet again, to dwell within.
We are living in a culture in which lying has become a norm. I think we always knew that our leaders were lying but up until recently, there was a kind of unspoken understanding that the “lies” were somehow for our good, that we were being shielded from the ugly truth of dangers around the world. We were like little children who were not ready to hear about sex or how babies are born or that our beloved Uncle was a raging alcoholic and wife beater. Everything is fine.
How many times have you heard someone say, “I’m not angry, just disappointed.” I think anger might be healthier and easier to overcome.
Second comes thanksgiving. To those of us who have done a lot of swimming in the waters of disappointment, giving thanks for “what is” over “what we wanted” is not simple trick. It’s time to make a conscious effort: daily, hourly, even minute by minute if necessary. Thank you God.
I will never forget my mother saying to me one morning, not long after reaching her 90th birthday, I just don’t know what I should do with the rest of my life. At the time, she felt hardy and hopeful and she was ready to take on something new. This idea of seeking purpose and planning toward it, has been with us all for a long time. Self-help books abound, whether secular or faith-based, “What is your purpose? What is the point? What is God’s will for my life?”
Two weeks ago, after class, I actually went home deeply depressed. I was feeling overwhelmed with I was not. I had a sharp and somewhat uncomfortable epiphany in which I understood the plight of the “rich young ruler” [Mark 10:17-23]. Not because I am a woman of wealth, per se, but there are experiences I still want to have and things I want to do that are not wrapped inside the cocoon of the church. And so, like him, I hung my head a bit and walked away. I want to be an expression of God in every day life, there is no doubt about that. And my faith in God is steady and even deep, but I am feeling a push back within. (In a recent sermon, Jess talked about the way he had been limiting his exercise: “I’ll do anything, just don’t ask me to do cardio.” — so it is with me, I guess.)
purpose is pretty much the same: Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind & strength, and your neighbor as yourself; AND, go into all the world and preach the gospel. . . ” That has manifested as serving in the local church, adopting children, performing and speaking for about the things of God, and blogging my heart devotionally. Can I say that I have been called by God to these things? Not with confidence.
My strengths are my passion for God, my enthusiasm for the things that resonate within me, my ability to speak in a group with confidence, my humor, my writing. My weaknesses are my losses – words don’t come as quickly as they di did before, I forget names and faces, my memories are no longer crystal clear. I am a bit adrift since Mike’s death and although I soldier on, I am a bit unhinged for he grounded me. I scatter my energy across an array of interests. For those who know the Enneagram, I am a true seven.
My spiritual goal is to become a more consistent woman of prayer, working toward achieving a 5% tithe of my waking time spent in direct conversation, contemplation, and reflection within 6 months from today. Some of the strategies I will use will be to plan for prayer each day and week. 5% of 16 hours is approximately 45-50 minutes a day. I will record my time and what I learn in whatever time I spend, whether it’s 10 minutes or an hour, but I will see an increase over the weeks. And out of that time in prayer, I expect to return to familiarity and intimacy. And from there, this idea of purpose will be grow more authentically.
My life goal is still to write a book, no not just write it, but finish it (after all the re-writes) and get it published. And then another. And another. And quite honestly, to have success in this arena, I must give, at minimum, the same amount of time. Funny. I have a gut feeling that these two efforts were always joined at the hip. So be it.
Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship.
So here’s where I have landed on this score. It’s probably not 100% right, if there is such a thing as a right/wrong in this discussion. I am more about my heart being surrendered to God. I am convinced that the more doors (particularly those secret ones) I open to the work of the Holy Spirit, the more my life will reflect Christ in me so that no matter what I do or where I am, I am in a state of service to God. And how do those doors open? Prayer, meditation, self-examination, and selfless serving (giving of time and energy). The church is the easiest place to serve but it’s not the only place (e.g. the mission field, the soup kitchen, hospitals, shelters, emergencies, etc.). Generally, it’s the church that creates opportunities to serve, that’s the point.
It’s a simple but powerful edict: listen, understand, and follow. It has three parts that work together as one. I must listen, to understand and I must understand, to follow, or at the least, to avoid following blindly. Jesus never asks us to follow blindly. Perhaps the way may appear dark and even fearsome, but God promises to go ahead of us, to lead, and therefore, we are asked to trust.
Meditations from Zion 