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Posts Tagged ‘loss’

Help Carry

Posted in Grief, Lectionary, Ordinary Time, tagged , , , , , , , , , on August 7, 2015| Leave a Comment »

tearsLike so many things in life, we are part of a circle. As we help bear the burdens of others, God bears ours (and that of the others we took upon ourselves). When a friend’s heart is heavy or circumstances pouring over them, we have a responsibility to help. Our fear is that we will be crushed or infected. But God’s promise is sure:

Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. [Galatians 6:2, NIV] Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens. [Psalm 68:19, NIV]

I had the opportunity this week to meet someone new and to hear her story, filled with disapmourn with those who mournpointment and sorrow. She needed to talk. She needed someone to listen. She need to offload. My cost was only time and my faith that God would ultimately carry the most of it. We are all so similar. Human pain and loss is universal. It’s easier to see it in others than to walk it. But time does bring some reprieve and the touch of others helping us hold up our heads, our hearts, our souls.

Another brother in my extended community of faith has passed, a contemporary with my own husband. I cannot reach out physically to his wife who has moved away, but I do lift her and her family up in prayer. This lifting is a conscious carrying that is just as important as listening or talking to someone in person. Prayer is vital to burden bearing. Even though she may not know about it, God is faithful. And another, closer to me, will feel the call to hold her close, to wipe her tears, to sit and listen, to laugh when she laughs and to weep when she weeps. [Romans 12:15] It is the way of faith.

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Praying into the Secret Place

Posted in Grief, Ordinary Time, tagged , , , , , , , on June 8, 2015| Leave a Comment »

secretplace1After life gives you lemons and even the lemonade is undrinkable, it’s clear that God has something else in mind. I am, by nature, a doer and problem-solver. I have made a lot of lemonade in my life. But I have come to the borders of my self-sufficiency. Whatever comes next is new territory. He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High Shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress; My God, in Him I will trust.” [Psalm 91:1-2, NKJ] So I turned to the Lord God and pleaded with him in prayer and petition, in fasting, and in sackcloth and ashes. [Daniel 9:3] I am peeling away then at the layers that have shrouded that secret place where God and I have met in the past. It is a slow process, like pulling English Ivy, the tentacles of memories and circumstances, loss and sorrow, missteps and futility, have covered the way. But I must push on and push in, for whatever I do next must be directed by God; I need confidence in the hand of God guiding me. I don’t have that anymore. Whatever has sustained me in the last six months is no longer enough. Even though people offer to help, unless the direction is clear, we are all going in circles. What next? That’s my prayer. What next?

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Sacrifice of Going Away

Posted in Grief, Lectionary, Time Up to Pentecost, tagged , , , , , , , , on May 16, 2015| Leave a Comment »

Pooh loveFew us willingly embrace paradox: loss for gain, death for life, serve to lead, and so on. Each and every type is repeated throughout scripture and our first reaction is reason: that is contradictory, that is not possible, that is absurd. Even faith itself is a type of paradox, to believe in what cannot be seen or proved rationally. Paradox is simply inevitable within the Way of Christ. And those who dismiss it, miss it.

But very truly I tell you, it is for your good that I am going away. Unless I go away, the Advocate will not come to you; but if I go, I will send him to you. When he comes, he will prove the world to be in the wrong about sin and righteousness and judgment: about sin, because people do not believe in me; about righteousness, because I am going to the Father, where you can see me no longer; and about judgment, because the prince of this world now stands condemned. [John 16:7-11, NIV]

And so I wonder about my own loss. I cannot help but read this passage and wonder, is it the same for the death of a loved one? Will there a come a day when I can look back and see, if Mike had not died, we would have missed this other event, this other understanding, this other transformation? I can almost imagine Mike, in his final moments, seeing our future more clearly than we ever could. And perhaps he also thought, I go that they might live in this other way, within this other road.

Mike’s faith was unshakeable and his mantra was that God would provide [Jehovah Jireh]. And he calls me to do the same. Trust God. Let go of what was freely. All will be well.

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Remain in My Love

Posted in Grief, Lectionary, Time Up to Pentecost, tagged , , , , , , , on May 10, 2015| Leave a Comment »

christingardenNo matter how much time is lost or mistakes made or fears given into, God’s love remains available to me . . . to you. The days have been very hard, the stress like a heavy weight upon my heart, and even then, more challenges have come, yet God calls me to come beneath the wings of safety, into the protection of holiness, and grounded by the promise of healing and wholeness. I come.

“As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. . . . “ [John 15:9-12, NIV]

Snapshot: This week will mark only the fifth month of Mike’s passing. Forever and yet only yesterday. But the realities of life move forward and after much consultation with professionals, friends, and family, it’s evident that I must sell our house and downsize into something more affordable for me, and ultimately, whatever twenty-somethings come along. The house is listed, the “huge” yard sale is done, and the hunt is on. Each day, a little more must be done to spruce up the digs in hopes that the potential buyer won’t notice that gnawed off window sill by big dog or that crack in the wall through a settling foundation. The weeds continue to sprout no matter how many times I tell them to stop. We are all trying our best to be neatniks for the sake of show. And still life goes on.

All during this time, I am hearing the voices of Simplify (Hybels) and Essentialism (McKeown) and 168 Hours (Vanderkam). What is essential? What is important? What is long lasting? Where is my true treasure? What is needful?

I believe remaining in Christ is part of the simplify message. For, it is only in Christ, that I can let go of the other stuff, both physical and emotional.

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Expectations

Posted in Eastertide, Grief, Lectionary, tagged , , , , , , , , , , on April 8, 2015| 2 Comments »

expecting a miracleWe all think we know what we need. It’s part of our human nature. And honestly, in many cases, it seems pretty obvious. In the case of the lame man, he had adapted to his disability and didn’t even consider that a need any longer. He asked for alms each day to meet his immediate needs and had already decided that he could not meet these needs himself.

Now a man who was lame from birth was being carried to the temple gate called Beautiful, where he was put every day to beg from those going into the temple courts. When he saw Peter and John about to enter, he asked them for money. Peter looked straight at him, as did John. Then Peter said, “Look at us!” So the man gave them his attention, expecting to get something from them.  [Acts 3:2-5, NIV]

I can’t help but wonder how many times I have missed the bigger miracle while reaching out for the thing right before me.

Right now, it’s kind of important for me to keep my head, heart, and eyes clear in just this way. It’s pretty obvious that I cannot remain in our big house anymore now that I am down to one salary after Mike’s death. With no life insurance or other nest egg to speak of, I am faced with downsizing now rather than later. Preparing a home for sale and looking for miracle treesomething else is overwhelming to say the least. I need a small miracle to find something that is affordable for my new life and yet practical for house guests or boomerang children.

What is my expectation of God here? I am trying to balance the realities of looking at properties (in essence, one can’t win the lottery without buying a ticket) and believing that God has something planned for me, yet out of sight. I don’t want to jump at “good enough” if best is around the corner. I don’t want to leap out of anxiety or doubt.

Work and pray. Like Nehemiah. That’s all I know to do.

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Hope in His Unfailing Love

Posted in Eastertide, Grief, Lectionary, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , on April 7, 2015| Leave a Comment »

woman walking labyrinth

But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear [as in adore] him,     on those whose hope is in his unfailing love . . . [Psalm 33:18]

I’ve written about “unfailing love” several times. This phrase captures so succinctly my heart toward God and my faith in God towards me. It’s a mantra. I am resolute.

It’s always a challenge for me to select source material for each day. People think of me as creative but really I’m more adaptive. Give me a kernel and from that I can often spring forward. Over time, my structured responses have been around the seasons such as Advent and Lent, and once, for three years, I plodded through the New Testament. That was a wonderful time of discovery. But at the closure of these efforts, I flounder. I once tried the same kind of slow journey, section or verse by verse, through the Old Testament, and although there were many fascinating moments and stories, by the time I reached the histories, I missed experiencing the message of grace upon which I thrive.

So, today, after a two day hiatus from posting, I am going to attach myself to a Lectionary. The concept of lectionary comes down through the Judaic principle of “appointed scripture readings” according to a calendar or given days. This practice is referenced in the gospels when Jesus is asked to read the day’s assigned passage in the synagogue [Luke 4] and it was from Isaiah 61, a prophecy of his own coming. Although there are various lectionaries from a variety of denominations, I’m not really concerned about those differences. For now, I’ll reference the Episcopalian one I found online.

Art by Delores Develde

Art by Delores Develde

And so it has happened today, that I find myself back to my Beloved and the unfailing love of God through Christ Jesus. And for this year, I will be His bride, for I need the protection and stability of that love and the confidence that my Lord will collect my tears.

You keep track of all my sorrows.     You have collected all my tears in your bottle.     You have recorded each one in your book. [Psalm 56:8, NIV]

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God Definitely Listened

Posted in Grief, Lent, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 20, 2015| Leave a Comment »

God listensI have been told, eventually, I would grow angry over the loss of my husband, who died so unexpectedly. It’s only been a couple of months and people may be right, but today, I can’t really generate emotional wrath. With whom should I be angry? Should I blaze at Mike who experienced the widow maker, when a specific artery to the apex of the heart was blocked and caused nearly “sudden death” (or certainly within minutes). Should shake my fists at adult children who didn’t even know their father was home? Should I chastise myself for being out of town . . . again? Or, the most common fury, at God, who allowed or orchestrated this moment. But if Job couldn’t get away with it, why should I? “I know you can do anything; no plan of yours can be opposed successfully. . . . I have indeed spoken about things I didn’t understand, wonders beyond my comprehension.” [Job 42:1, 3, CEB]

Instead, I see God’s hand manifesting in my daily life now in a way that I never did before. Into my confusion, God still is. Into my sorrow, God speaks. Into my fear, God breathes.

Come close and listen, all you who honor God;
I will tell you what God has done for me:
My mouth cried out to him with praise on my tongue.
If I had cherished evil in my heart, my Lord would not have listened.
But God definitely listened.
He heard the sound of my prayer. Bless God!
He didn’t reject my prayer; he didn’t withhold his faithful love from me.
[Psalm 66:16-20, CEB]

Back in the day when I used to speak to women’s groups and conferences as well as perform my one-woman show, I would share my testimony. And at the end of the story, I would always remind them that I was the “woman at the well,” “the woman who washed Jesus’s feet with her hair,” the woman caught in the sin of adultery.” And now, in my widowhood, I am her again, for I am thrown into His mercy.

Today, I am able to stand against the bitterness that stole Naomi’s heart [Ruth 1:20] and instead, I take the refrain of Ruth, ““I am your servant Ruth,” she said. “Spread the corner of your garment over me, since you are a guardian-redeemer of our family.” [Ruth 3:9b, NIV] It’s enough for today.

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