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Posts Tagged ‘sin’

New Self; Old Self

Posted in Ordinary Time, tagged , , , , , , , , , on January 15, 2011| Leave a Comment »

New self is a transaction of the heart and soul. For me, it happened when I accepted and engaged the Christ and invited the tangible presence of the Holy Spirit within. Unfortunately, old self is like a familiar and in some places threadbare winter coat or sweater I am unwilling to permanently discard.

Colossians 3:9-10
Do not lie to one another, for you have stripped off the old (unregenerate) self with its evil practices, And have clothed yourselves with the new [spiritual self], which is [ever in the process of being] renewed and remolded into [fuller and more perfect knowledge upon] knowledge after the image (the likeness) of Him Who created it. [Amplified]

It’s easy to tell that I’m still wearing the old because of the fruit or behaviors.

Last night, I had such an explosion of emotion with my daughter. The F bomb rolled off the tongue like I had never stopped using it. Anger turned to rage and every frustration and resentment bubbled up and over. It was acid.

Oh yes, the old self took back its place and the light of all that is new and self was quenched. No light shone through. It was quite dark inside.

In the light of today, I can see the damage done and how quickly the old coat slipped back into place. God forgive me.

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Christ Patterns

Posted in Advent, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 16, 2010| Leave a Comment »

It should be fairly simple to sew something from a pattern. And yet, no matter how many times I’ve tried, I muck it up. Either the directions have vocabulary I don’t understand or I can’t fit the pattern to my body. The other day I found one of these projects, pins and all, folded up in a storage box.

Philippians 3:17
Join with others in following my example, brothers, and take note of those who live according to the pattern we gave you.

There’s a book I read some time ago called Becoming a Resonant Leader by Annie McKee, Richard Boyatzis, and Frances Johnston. In general, I enjoy books on leadership principles and this text is one of the better ones. However, I hated the very first exercise: “think about how you came to be the person you are today, and think about who helped you along the way. ‘Who Helped Me?'”

This exercise was intended to reveal to me the many people who helped me along my path. Instead, my mind drifted to all the people who didn’t help me. Instead of feeling better and stronger from these memories, I felt empty and alone. Who did I admire? Who mentored me? Who helped me get a job or learn a skill?

Of course, there were people along the way, but it was always in pieces and not the whole. My mother taught me to persevere, my brother taught me ambition, and there were friends who answered questions and held my heart while men and lovers betrayed it.

Perhaps that was one of the reasons I grabbed on so tightly to the cloak of Christ. Here was a flawless mentor.

But then, I ran afoul of the Christ interpreters who laid out Christ patterns before me to follow. Play nice in the sandbox. Be humble. Don’t confess fears or pain that show lack of faith. Don’t swear. Watch what you say. Love your neighbor. Stay married. Submit. Dress quietly. Sing loudly. Speak softly. Dance. Praise. Tithe money, tithe prayers. Let go of dreams. Serve the poor. Go to Africa. Live in the ghetto. Adopt the orphans. Sell everything. Give more. Be strong. Be weak. Be happy. Weep with those who weep.

Nothing really so wrong with any of it. But the patterns were too hard to follow. And so I folded them up and put them away.

The way may be narrow, yes, but the yoke is supposed to be light.

So, here’s what I think today: when I feel lost, I can look ahead and see others who have blazed a trail for such a difficult time as this. There’s a light ahead and I can follow it. But there are also times when I can make my own trail. And, if I look back, there may be people who need my way and my light.

When Jesus did miracles, they were all different. Sometimes he spoke a word, sometimes he laid a hand, and one time, he spat and created mud from the earth. He intentionally avoided a set pattern because life isn’t like that.

Christ patterns are made with dotted lines, not fat magic markers. God allowed each of us to be unique: eyes, nose, mouth, voice, skin color, abilities, etc. Doesn’t it make sense that the way would also be unique? My pattern is not your pattern. My pain is not your pain. My healing is not your healing.

Eyes on the prize from the inside out.

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Husband as Sacred Other

Posted in Ordinary Time, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 15, 2010| Leave a Comment »

If love is a type of submission, as I believe it is, then that is the best place to start with this controversial passage about wifely submission. You see, if ALL are to submit to one another, why must the “wife to husband” submission be “greater” or more submissive as some people imply?

Ephesians 5:22, 24
Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. . . . Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

I’m still taking baby steps when it comes to loving as Christ loved others. Here’s my theory: if I can love/submit to my husband a fraction of what Christ models for me to love/submit to everyone, we’ll have a transformed marriage.

The same habitual sins I experience with others in my daily life are magnified at home. For instance, if I judge others, even people I don’t know in the grocery line or sitting in a restaurant, is there any surprise that I judge those closest to me?

Probably, the love/submission relationship was supposed to be easier with our mates, after all, we’ve made a promise to love them, to cherish them, to stand beside them through joys and sorrows, to create families, to build a microcosm of the Church (i.e. Body of Christ). Instead, we build mini-cultures that reflect the culture in which we live. In some families, that means an environment of greed, ambition, violence, mistrust, disease, and manipulation.

I missed something along the way and forgot that my own husband is “sacred other.” He is Holy Spirit illuminated too. And that is the One to whom I am to submit within him. It is not the veiled man, but the core that is holy. And it is the core of man that is more than worthy of love and yes, even submission.

Some of his veil I caused. When two people hurt each other or become estranged in any way, the darkness covers the light within on both sides. I have been looking through two layers of sin: my own and his.

It’s a uncertain business to begin peeling the layers of “outer self” in a relationship while the other is fully clothed and protected. But I am pretty sure that “outer me” cannot love/submit to anyone in the way of Jesus.

Today, I have intention and mindfulness with love and submission for the Holy Spirit.

(FD 9)

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Truth for the Body

Posted in Ordinary Time, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 5, 2010| Leave a Comment »

Here’s an idea: every time I tell a lie, it does harm to the Body of Christ. That Body requires truth. And anything less diminishes it. Either I have a corporate corporeal responsibility or not. I’ve managed to minimalize the impact. It’s so big after all. Well, time to think again.

Ephesians 4:25
Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body.

Another image that comes to mind is one of those psychology experiments in college where small electric shocks are given to someone else based on the subject’s (my) answers or failures (or whatever the testing might entail). If I could see or feel the impact on this “Body,” would I act differently? If I had a chart of the body and every time I sinned or lied or cheated, a red dot representing pain in some other region or area of the Body would light up. Would I stop?

I know that’s silly, but really, am I a unique part of this larger Body or not? And does my place in it make any difference?

Telling the truth is the hardest of all really. I lie with my lips and I lie in my mind. I lie to others (sometimes masked in halves or exaggeration) and I lie to myself.

Sometimes, I get another crazy picture in my head like I’m standing at the “pearly gates” and, as I have been forewarned [Romans 14:12], I begin to give an account of my life. When I get to the lies part of the list, It’s so long, I end up in some kind of purgatory (waiting tank) after all.

Have I placed ALL the lies under the covering of the blood sacrifice? Have I stopped telling them? Really?

I will probably never get very good at the “not telling lies” part. Some of this is my quick mouth and some of it is the way I think and blab at the same time. I sometimes don’t even “hear” something until I say it. This leaves on option for me: silence. Not speaking. Also difficult, but probably a better choice for the sake of the Body.

I am planning another fast. I do these on occasion but this time, it’s as a result of my previous days’ revelations about the superficiality of the “old self” and the power of sensuality to rule. I’m thinking that food and unrelenting appetite fit into the same drama (not just sexuality and violence). And today, I can add lies and too much talking into the mix. Can I fast from so much talking? Something to consider.

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Behaviors Can Separate

Posted in Time Up to Pentecost, tagged , , , , on September 26, 2010| Leave a Comment »

Paul is really pulling my chain in the entire 5th chapter of I Corinthians. I can’t say I’m going to disassociate with folks who are believers and yet behave badly. I’m too close to behaving badly myself. So what can I glean?

I Corinthians 5:11
But now I am writing you that you must not associate with anyone who calls himself a brother but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or a slanderer, a drunkard or a swindler.

Basically, whether we are believers or not believers, our behaviors will act like the Sorting Hat in the Harry Potter novels. Unconsciously, we tend to either congregate with those who behave similarly or avoid those who don’t. Some behaviors I can simply tolerate. Others I cannot.

I struggle enough with “judging” others without escalating that condition. And yet, if I am personally hurt by someone through one of these negative acts, I don’t think I’d go out of my way to have tea with them either. But I cannot rail against them, for ultimately, I would merely be one of the angry crowd who chased after the woman who was caught in adultery. She had truly done that thing, but Christ offered mercy. Can I do any less?

(This post was started on May 2nd, but not completed until September. Oh well.)

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Aim for Perfection

Posted in Ordinary Time, tagged , , , , , , , , , , on September 9, 2010| 1 Comment »

Perfectionism, in and of itself, is a bane. So, why in the world would Paul lay this mandate on the Corinthian churches? Of course, Jesus did the same thing in Matthew 5:48, “be perfect.” It must be internal excellence then and not external behaviors.

II Corinthians 13:11b
. . . Aim for perfection, listen to my appeal, be of one mind, live in peace. And the God of love and peace will be with you.

In other words, aiming for perfection within is a good thing. And how do I do that? It’s what we’re all supposed to be about.

Christ within, the ultimate perfection, illuminating the path. Isn’t that the point? Becoming like Jesus is first and foremost about the interior life which then transforms the exterior–our behaviors respond to our thoughts and spirit. Where we make mistakes: sin, judge, and break basic commandments, we are given insight (hints) into the kind of work that must be done inside.

Until the “why” of my choices is understood and healed, my conduct will fall back to habits.

My college age daughter does not drive a car. She is afraid and anxious and these feelings override any desire she might have to learn. Something has to change within before she will make this leap. I have been saying to her to keep practicing; her fears will dissipate the more she drives. But then, she had an accident in a parking lot and before that, a tire blew out when she jumped a curb. Her practice alone is not working.

This is really no different from any of the behaviors I want to see reconstructed. I tend to judge others. Oh, I can say that I will not judge today. I will practice not judging. But what is making me judge? My own insecurities? My pride? My fear?

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear . . . [I John 4:18a]

I love the Christ whose Spirit is within me. That same Spirit of Christ is within others as well. How can I love my personal version and not the one outside myself?

Perfect: conforming to an ideal.

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Am I Failing the Test?

Posted in Ordinary Time, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 7, 2010| Leave a Comment »

I don’t like taking tests. Does anyone? I tend to freeze up, get anxious over details, or answer too quickly. But I’m a good student and usually I’m smart enough to “pass the test” as a whole but what about all those wrong answers? Is the spiritual test pass/fail?

II Corinthians 13:5
Test yourselves to make sure you are solid in the faith. Don’t drift along taking everything for granted. Give yourselves regular checkups. You need firsthand evidence, not mere hearsay, that Jesus Christ is in you. Test it out. If you fail the test, do something about it. [The Message]

I’m confident I’ve got all the big stuff down. After all, I’ve been a believer for a long time! Jesus is indeed the Christ, died for the sins of the world and rose from the dead. I am comfortable with both the Nicene Creed and the Apostles’ Creed.

But there are those daily transgressions, those small judgments, those secret lies, those exaggerations, and worse of all, those unnecessary comments (that’s a nice way of saying “gossip”).

I really believe the problem is lack of mindfulness and awareness to Presence. I have been practicing the Divine Hours for the last year, but lately, I find I’m leapfrogging through the day and only doing morning and evening. I’m letting my day and my energy get sucked up by busy-ness. It’s not good for any self-test or self-examination. It means I am not consciously looking for Christ in others. I’m not recognizing Christ in my circumstances. I’m walking blind and deaf.

Oh, it’s like winning the war on a technicality even though I’m losing all the battles.

Here’s where I could use some help, some sisters or brothers, to just poke me a little and say, “Remember” or “Look” or “Listen.”

Quicken my spirit Lord.

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