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Posts Tagged ‘fear’

Acts 9:22
“…Repent of this wickedness and pray to the Lord. Perhaps he will forgive you for having such a thought in your heart.” [Peter to Simon, the Sorcerer]

What is going on in the deepest places? I usually think of thoughts as emanating from the mind, but here is a phrase that sends me to an underground level: the thoughts of my heart.

These are the truly secret places, the closed places that are only exposed in times of trial or transparency. These are places that I have kept away from others. These are thoughts I might be ashamed to expose.

Psalm 44:21 says God knows the secrets of the heart. So, why do I bother trying to hide?

Keep me authentic today, Lord. Keep my heart open and let me not fear the opinions of others.

I know there have been times when I have tried to allow my secret self to show, but I am a fairly keen observer of people and when I see someone’s body language recoil from my small truths, I wrap my heart back up again. It takes courage to leave the heart open. It takes courage to reveal the thoughts of the heart.

I think the first revealing must start in private time with God. Unveil there since God already knows, after all. It’s safe. It’s a practice test. It’s a place of healing; here the thoughts can be tenderly trimmed like a small Bonzai; here will be some pain, but the end is far more beautiful. With that exposure can come my own acceptance of who I am… what I really think… what I believe. And then, only then, the courage will come to show my “self” to you and you and you.

What do you see or hear from the thoughts of my heart?

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Acts 7:51
You stiff-necked people, with uncircumcised hearts and ears! You are just like your fathers: You always resist the Holy Spirit!

It’s such a temptation to use a public forum like this to pontificate about the condition of the church or the condition of all the “others” who are not in God’s will or plan. But today I realize again how important it is for me to show my own heart. Oh sorrow, it is buried again beneath the layers of self-deception.

The heart is tricky because it regrows layers even after it’s been circumcised. These regrown layers may start out very thin and almost indiscernible at first, but eventually, layer upon layer forms and the heart is back to where it was before the Holy Spirit touched it. As the layers accumulate, the hardness begins to set in and although the mind and body can go through the motions of worship and service, the heart is no longer involved.

Some of the symptoms: a cavalier attitude toward corporate worship, missing times with God, a quick temper, a judgmental cattiness, overwhelming tiredness, forgetfulness, looking for change for the sake of change, putting others under the microscope, dropping responsibilities, indulging the body, resisting the Holy Spirit, just to name a few.

I don’t think I’m at the totally hardened stage yet … obviously, or I wouldn’t be writing today.

Psalm 51:17 says, “The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.” It’s really quite simple, acknowledge what is happening and be chastened by the truth of it. It goes right along with repent. It goes right along with choice.

God does not come in with a sledge hammer or a fancy butcher knife to do heart work. Instead, like a child who runs to a parent and shows the injury, God brings comfort and then gently removes the harmful effects. God cleans the layers of dirt and grime and if necessary, the scab that his holding in infection. God uses truth with love.

I don’t like being vulnerable. I don’t like placing myself in places where I might get hurt. I hide my fears with layers of humor and bravado and chameleon-esque behaviors. In this way, I can keep people out of the tender places, I can control the connections. I know how to hide.

Oh, “refiner’s fire,” come and burn away the dross. Give me courage to be transparent and authentic. Give me courage to accept my tender places.

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Acts 7:22, 25
Moses was educated in all the wisdom of the Egyptians and was powerful in speech and action… Moses thought that his own people [Israelites] would realize that God was using him to rescue them, but they did not.

I know what it means to be between two worlds… or more. I am a first generation American. My parents arrived in this country in 1951 and, as most immigrants do, they looked for a community of Latvians. They ended up in Indianapolis, Indiana where over 2500 Latvians had settled. Over the years, the Latvians built a community center and had various civic and religious organizations. But, when my father died, we were somewhat ostracized from that community and I never understood why and until much later in life.

You see, my mother is only half Latvian and half German. Her mother was German (as well as her step-mother), and in the end, her sympathies and traditions were more rooted in Germany. She had even “re-patrioted” to Germany before the war, a common practice by anyone with any German heritage. My parents actually met in Germany where my father was a prisoner of war and my mother worked as a translator because she was tri-lingual (German, Latvian & English).

In the end, within that Latvian community in Indianapolis, her Germanic roots and her widow status caused many a cold shoulder. As a result, we gravitated to the American society.

But that was not a smooth assimilation either. We were still foreigners. English was actually my second language as we primarily spoke Latvian in the home until after my father’s death. We were definitely different. My mother had a heavy accent and she had some eccentric ideas to say the least.

We lived between those two worlds, trying to juggle them. We attended events and made friends in both worlds, but we never felt truly a part. My brother and I finally chose one community over the other: we chose to become as American as possible and for many years, we both cast off our Latvian heritage.

My daughter, recently adopted from Russia as a teenager, is going through similar struggles. She doesn’t really fit into either world. Her Russian friends (and extended biological family) see her as a traitor of sorts for moving to this country and her American high school is less than embracing, mocking her accent and loopholes in cultural and language norms (by students as well as teachers). Her pain is palpable.

Moses was raised as an Egyptian… but he was an Israelite. He thought he would be embraced by the Israelites when he discovered his lineage and his background. They did not. His solution was to run away. He went to Midian and raised a family there. His solution was to cast aside both cultures and start over. I can understand that mindset.

We all know the story. God called Moses back to lead his people. God had prepared Moses for this task, specifically by placing one foot in each culture.

Someday, my daughter will discover the power of living and surviving the challenges of two cultures.

For myself, I have been more like Moses and I escaped into a different third world: the Christian world… a culture, up until recent years, all its own. But, like Moses, I feel God calling me back to integration.

I cannot run from the pain of my past. It is all part of who I am and who God wants me to become. All of the choices, the mistakes, as well as the victories and successes, are part of today. Those experiences made my today.

I choose wholeness for myself today… for my daughter… and for anyone who has struggled with any separation within.

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Acts 5:38-39
“Therefore, in the present case I advise you: Leave these men [the apostles] alone! Let them go! For if their purpose or activity is of human origin, it will fail. But if it is from God, you will not be able to stop these men; you will only find yourselves fighting against God.” [Gamaliel speaking]

There are really two messages here. One is for the believers, to trust that projects and plans, if truly within the will and anointing of our God, will remain. They will survive and even thrive. But if not, then it’s important to let go. There are plenty of good things to do. There are plenty of ideas. Move on.

Years ago, I had developed two shows that I toured to churches and para-church organizations. They were a labor of love but somehow, not of the right time. In that era, churches were not set up well for theatrical performances. Both of my pieces had to be adapted constantly in order to make them work in a traditional sanctuary setting. Just the idea of having theater lights was foreign to most church goers or to ask that everything be stripped from the altar area. Those who saw the shows, were moved by them, but it was an uphill battle to find churches willing to open their doors. In today’s more modern settings, my shows would have fit in perfectly. It was simply not the right fit and in the end, I retired them.

When I let go, it was hard. I felt I had failed and totally missed God. But, now, in hindsight, I think they achieved what they were meant to achieve. I learned so much from that process and my immersion in the scriptures during the research and preparation time has served me continually.

The second message of this story about Gamaliel and the Sanhedrin is critical for everyone. An anointed person or group cannot be stopped by “human” pressures or verbal attacks. An authentic faith and presence of God in a life is a bulwark and will prevail. Faith of this magnitude sustained people like Mother Teresa among India’s poor, Elie Wiesel in the concentration camps, Hudson Taylor in China, David Livingstone in Africa, and Martin Luther King, Jr. and Billy Graham in the U.S., to name a few.

But this is also true for well-meaning Christians who try to silence the voices of others in the name of “protecting” the faith. The Sanhedrin also felt they were protecting Israel from heresy.

Currently, there is a movement rising up called Emergent Worship and post-modern thought … some are flaying against these trends. Most of the people who are involved with these movements are under the age of 45… they are of a generation that needs and wants to ask questions, to have their faith be an intrinsic part of their culture and their lives. Personally, I think it’s a good thing. This same kind of ground swell happened when the charismatics and Pentecostals started up 20 and 30 years ago in the face of great consternation. And yet, those movements have been integrated into many churches and church traditions.

My message is simple: be wise and remember Gamaliel’s advice: “…if it is from God, you will not be able to stop these men; you will only find yourselves fighting against God.”

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Acts 5:17
Then the high priest and all his associates, who were members of the party of the Sadducees, were filled with jealousy.

There’s nothing like momentum or success to bring out jealousy. If only I could say I know this by observation and persecution. Instead, I know jealousy personally–shameful, but true.

Jealousy starts out with envy. It starts out rather innocently perhaps, “oh look what they bought, have, can do” and “gee, I wish I could afford that, get that or do what they can do.” There is a longing that settles in, depending on the amount of energy given to it. And out of the longing, an obsession with others’ gains, and eventually, resentment finds a foothold and builds exponentially.

It’s bad enough that envy and jealousy are fed on a personal level: house, car, job, friends, wealth, clothes, youth, body, athletic abilities, artistic abilities, mastery, etc. But it becomes really sordid when it’s on an organization level, or worse, on a national or international level.

There are church pastors and church goers who become envious of other churches, either their attendance, their notoriety, their leadership, or even their music. There is something dreadfully wrong with this picture.

Isn’t that just the foot being envious of the hand… of course the hand can do more… it was designed that way. But where is the commitment to what the foot can do?

And so, the foot keeps dragging on the hand: “not so fast,” “that’s not how we’ve done it in the past,” “we can’t do it that way,” “we’ve never seen that before,” “who gave you the authority to do all that ‘hand’ stuff?” Sometimes, the “foot” worries that all that attention to the “hand” will suck up all the resources.

But is that how God works? Nope.

The more we give, the more we receive. We cannot outgive God… that goes for money, energy, ideas, activity, healing, blessings and even, success.

Today I ask forgiveness for my jealous and envious heart. Today, I am going to be the best foot I can be. Today, I will speak blessings to the momentum of others. Today, I stop holding others back. Today, I set the captive free. Today I become a a true cheerleader for others.

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Acts 5:3a
Then Peter said, “Ananias, how is it that Satan has so filled your heart that you have lied to the Holy Spirit…”

Whoa! Ananias is not the only one who is doing this. Oh forgiving God, be merciful to me.

These are the dangerous internal lies, the lies to myself. These are the lies that no one may ever know I have said or thought. These are the traps within that prevent me from having an unfettered relationship with God.

Give or don’t give, but don’t pretend to give.

In my mind, Ananias and Sapphira held back some of the money and laid the rest at the Apostles’ feet for several reasons: to appear totally committed to the gathered believers, to copy Barnabas, and to protect their personal interests. In the end, it was a lack of trust.

Forgive me for holding back a tithe for fear of not having enough to pay bills… forgive me saying I will help someone and then not show up… forgive me for saying I will pray for someone and then not do it… forgive me for justifying my mistakes and passing the blame to others in my mind… forgive me for lying to the Holy Spirit.

If you, O LORD, kept a record of sins,
O Lord, who could stand?
But with you there is forgiveness;
therefore you are feared.
I wait for the LORD, my soul waits,
and in his word I put my hope.
My soul waits for the Lord … [Psalm 130:3-6a]

Thanks be to God.

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Acts 4:13
When they [Sanhedrin] saw the courage of Peter and John and realized that they were unschooled, ordinary men, they were astonished and they took note that these men had been with Jesus.

There are many types of courage and there are many ways to gain courage. Just because one has courage does not mean one does not have fear or uncertainties. Courage is moving through uncertainty, moving on despite the fear. Courage is believing that something else is more important than self-preservation.

Courage comes easier with practice. This is one reason group wilderness experiences, ropes courses, and other challenge building exercises have become so popular. They build an individual’s tolerance for fear and a history of success in the face of fear.

Of course, what requires courage for one person is not the same for another. I enjoy speaking in front of a group unlike many of my friends and colleagues. I can probably say that much of that “courage” comes from my theater background. But, there is also a confidence that comes with a group setting because I rarely have a sense of disapproval from a group. However, put me in a one on one situation where I can read a person’s body language, their expressions, and can observe their dismay or disagreement, I freeze up. It takes great courage for me to say something to an individual that I suspect will cause disagreement or anger or disappointment.

Basically, I want people to like me. Don’t we all? And so often, I have chosen silence in the name of keeping the peace or maintaining a friendly connection. But, in the end, this is giving people a false impression. It’s a lie.

It is my hope that I may grow in courage to be more transparent and authentic… to speak my heart, to speak from love, but honestly… to speak of my faith and why I follow the Christ. That’s all. One does not have to be “schooled” in theology to talk about the power of change and faith.

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