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Posts Tagged ‘forgiveness’

Favoritism = Judging

Posted in Ordinary Time, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 23, 2011| Leave a Comment »

Favoritism with ice cream is a lot different than favoritism with people. Oh I might try not to judge people on first impressions but I find it inescapable. Can I overcome these moments with intentional action?

James 2:1, 4
My brothers [and sisters], as believers in our glorious Lord Jesus Christ, don’t show favoritism. . . . have you not discriminated among yourselves and become judges with evil thoughts?

Some years ago when we still lived in Atlanta, we attended a small church composed mostly of fellow believers who had been asked to split away from a larger denominational church because of our bent toward the charismatic. One of our leaders, Jim, was a wonderful man, kind and dignified, smart and loving. I will never forget the day he taught about enthusiasm: “If you want to be enthusiastic, sometimes you just have to act enthusiastic to feel it.” And then he proceeded to stomp and cheer and pump his arms around like a lunatic. It was hysterical but his message stayed with me.

Personally, enthusiasm comes easily to me. In fact, when I’m excited about a project, I’m quite the cheerleader, almost nauseatingly so, I’m sure. But how can I take that passionate commitment to action and use it to break down my internal tendencies toward judging others through intentional choices to change?

Some people call it a “besetting sin.” When I looked that up, it can also mean a type of harassment, or being surrounded, or an obsession. I can certainly relate to my judging of others in that way. My time in confessional prayers is dominated by asking forgiveness for my judgments. And in my way of thinking, judgment and favoritism go hand in hand. I cannot “favor” one person above the other without having made a negative of judgment of the other.

What to do? I know I can’t just tell myself to stop. If that worked, I’d be golden by now. Should I treat it as a bad habit and follow these 29 Tips for Changing a behavior?

Here are some suggestions from Oprah.com (go figure) written by Tim Jarvis. At first I was going to make a joke about it, but perhaps I need to take a few of these ideas to heart:

  • Like the Tipping Point by Malcolm Gladwell, it may take a number of efforts to get to the “boiling point” or threshold when things happen. So, in my case, the more I tackle this issue, the more aware I am and the more opportunities to get over the hump.
  • I need to think more about the other side, what it would look like and feel like to “not” be a judge so much. Instead of looking back at my failures, look ahead.
  • One of the approaches for change is to engage in community. This is why groups like Weight Watchers and Alcoholics Anonymous are so important: support and encouragement. Hmmm. Not sure how to translate my habit of the heart into a club of regenerated judges.

A friend of mine who struggles with food addiction says that this is one of the most difficult addictions to tackle. After all, unlike alcohol and drugs which can, to some degree be avoided, food is always with us. I think judging and dis-favoring others is similar. People are everywhere. I say that I love to “people watch,” but I wonder if that’s not just a buzz word for judging, mocking, and categorizing. Not a good thing.

What do you do? Honestly. Am I really alone out here?

Lord, forgive me again. Today. And right now, I’d appreciate it.

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How Forgiveness Works

Posted in Eastertide, Time Up to Pentecost, tagged , , , , , , , on June 11, 2011| 3 Comments »

It’s important to seize and exercise forgiveness; otherwise, the whole point of the Christ/Messiah sacrifice is lost. It’s God’s forgiveness and intentional dis-remembering that manifests in the crucifixion and renews our direct access to God.

Hebrews 10:17-18
Then he adds: “Their sins and lawless acts I will remember no more.” And where these have been forgiven, there is no longer any sacrifice for sin.

It’s big: forgiveness. There is more power in forgiveness than any other aspect of faith. Forgiveness works for both believers and non-believers. It’s like gravity. If it’s genuine, it generates freedom.

But here’s the part that took me a long time to truly understand. Forgiveness is for the giver moreso than the receiver. It is my act of forgiving that frees me from the results of unforgiveness.

I did not say that this makes forgiveness easy. But it’s benefits are not lessened or increased by its difficulty.

Forgiveness begins with a choice, not with a feeling.

When I forgive, I can begin to let go of the expressions and allies of unforgiveness like anxiety, anger, distrust, bitterness, hardness of heart, worry, conversations and images stuck in replay, negative expectations, disappointment, and even ill health.

To withhold forgiveness is a direct assault on the heart that the Holy Spirit is mentoring within.

I begin each day now with my acknowledgement and need for forgiveness — specifically! I name everything that comes to mind. Sometimes, those things are from yesterday and sometimes, I’m surprised to find a piece of old baggage cropping up, a hidden room who’s door must be opened, a pebble that is not a pearl at all, but a stone of that has been secretly growing within a shell of resentment. God reveals as I am able.

Some people are slow to forgive because they believe this sets the other person free. Nothing could be further from the truth. Once we let go, the judgment lands at the feet of God. While I hold on to any pain that someone else has caused me, no matter how unfairly, I hinder the work of God.

“Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave the way open for [God’s] wrath; for it is written, Vengeance is Mine, I will repay (requite), says the Lord [Deuteronomy 32:35.” [Romans 12:19, Amplified]

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Does Sexual Immorality Exist?

Posted in Ordinary Time, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 3, 2011| Leave a Comment »

I bet that gets some attention. Sorry to disappoint, but I’m not an advocate for a relative attitude toward sex or promoting it as a gray area. I’m actually taking a similar “stand” (for want of a better word) that I took on submission to men and keeping silent.

I Thessalonians 4:3
It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality;. . .

I believe there is sexual immorality. I may not always know or agree with everyone on which acts are immoral and which are not, but it does exist.

The Greek word used in this context, porneias, is usually translated as fornication, but in detail, it can be translated or derived from pernaō “the selling off or surrendering of sexual purity” and if used figuratively, it could mean “to be unfaithful to Christ, while posing as His true follower . . . a type of idolatry.” There is loss and deception in all of these definitions.

Want more to think about? Here’s a website that lists a lot scripture verses about sexual immorality and the reader can vote: “helpful” or “not helpful.”

There is so much we cannot understand or manage in this world. We sin. We make mistakes. We choose badly. Since I trust in a God who is loving and sovereign and holy, I understand my human self is contradictory to the perfection of Spirit. And for now, there are some elements in scripture that I simply cannot do or embrace fully. I acknowledge their right to exist, but I’m not there.

And so, because of my struggle in that arena, I am equally hard pressed to condemn another person whose arena is sexual immorality, or the “surrendering of purity” (love that phrase). Is it a good thing? No. Does it and can it do great damage to marriages and relationships as well as the young or inexperienced? Yes. And certainly, it’s in my heart to teach my children to choose wisely. But an adult will choose as they will choose and my condemnation can do little to change their behaviors.

“For there is nothing hidden that shall not be disclosed, nor anything secret that shall not be known and come out into the open.” [Luke 8:17] And then understanding will be manifest and redemption available.

In my heart of hearts, I know I am only a hand-breadth away from repeating sexual sins: I am on the Internet every day and it would only take a single search on the word “sex” and I could be sucked into a vortex of desire and justification. I read hundreds of books and there are sections I must still skip over and with intention. There are movies I cannot watch. In my first marriage, the little demon won several interior battles, and I betrayed a vow. In my second and current marriage of 28 years, I am more vigilant, but no less susceptible.

When people enter into sexual immorality, it is indeed a surrender because we know. We know. We know. And yet we choose that act, that liaison, that sensation.

And if we don’t know or don’t suspect or believe we are not immoral, then God will reveal in good time. And God will present that revelation in a perfect way. Amen.

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Grace & Salt Conversations

Posted in Ordinary Time, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 22, 2011| Leave a Comment »

Salt is a seasoning that makes things taste better through its chemical interactions with the food. And yet, in this age of health anxiety, we have started to withhold salt from our diet even though exercise could be just as effective. Have we removed salt from conversations too?

Colossians 4:6
Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.

When was the last time I sat around with some people and just talked? I mean talked about ideas and possibilities, spirituality or sorrow, hope or despair. When has the conversation started heading one way and my comments moved it another, giving it a new flavor, a new point of view . . . with grace.

Now, I don’t mean those times when proselytizing starts or the 4 Spiritual Laws pamphlets come out of the handbag or a litany of “Praise the Lords” drop in after every remark like a Greek chorus or HipHop melody.

I’m interested in knowing if the truth of me, Spirit-filled and intertwined with the Christ within, has acted as a true flavoring, bringing out the best in others while giving grace and acceptance to any hardened hearts around me.

So much is out there that teaches us how to control a conversation, close the deal, get to “yes,” influence, convince or convert people, win friends, or filibuster until people can’t stand it anymore.

When my daughter, new to this country at 15, went to high school with little or no English, she bemoaned how hard it was to make friends. We chalked it up to ESL (English as a Second Language) and assumed things would get better as her language skills improved. And to some degree that was true and yet, it never became easy for her. Truthfully, I am amazed teenagers have any friends at all considering that most of their conversations tend to be about themselves and rarely about the other, unless they are drilling down into the behavior, looks, attitude or boyfriend of a mutual “other” (i.e. gossiping).

I shared with her a handy book I found called How to Start a Conversation and Make Friends by Don Gabor. I encouraged her to try the author’s technique but she found it unmanageable. And why? Because the essence of his technique was to ask lots of questions about the other person and listen to the answers. It’s letting go of feeling it necessary to reciprocate data for data, fact for fact, personal story for personal story. This is the grace part of conversation.

Perhaps it’s time for me to reread this book myself. Or maybe, like here, scripture has been saying it all along: Grace and salt, kindness and joy, love and humor, forgiveness and knowledge, patience and wisdom.

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Embittered Children

Posted in Ordinary Time, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , on January 19, 2011| Leave a Comment »

What causes bitterness? Here are some words that bubbled up this morning: disappointment, betrayal, endless battles, anger, unforgiveness, false hope, lies, abandonment, and grace withheld. Unfortunately, I know these words too well, as victim and as perpetrator.

Colossians 3:21
Fathers [and mothers] do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.

I am known for big: big ideas, big mouth, big mistakes, big emotions. When I express myself, it’s with a passion. When I grieve and cry, it floods the room. When I slip and fall, I carry lots of stuff (and people) with me. It’s part of who I started out to be and who I have become.

As a child, that bigness came out of wanting to be seen. My aging father was kind to me, and yet, as a caregiver to a toddler, he rendered me invisible and I lived long hours alone in a playpen. He drank heavily during the day and it took a lot to get his attention.

As a young adult, I found some respite in the theater. Everything in that world was bigger and deeper than everyday life; I could safely feel and express lots of different feelings in an array of contrived and controlled moments. I could be seen without harm.

On the mother side, I was expected to perform as well, but perfectly: excellent grades (like my brother), success in all ventures, and work that was respected and secure. When my brother went on with life (college, work, etc.), I continued to feel bound to my mother who was doing her best to provide for us on her own. I wanted escape and felt guilty for it. Resentment grew steadily.

It takes a lot of personal strength to fight the onslaught of bitterness. This is an unexpected benefit from a relationship with the Holy Spirit, where individual courage is married to the supernatural, where holy forgiveness can wash away the bloody colors of bitter ordeals. But it’s a process.

One would think that living through some of this as a child I would be better prepared to give grace to my own children. But old habits die hard and I see now where I put many of the same pressures on them that were put on me. Not in all cases, of course. I gave love and attention and safety. I gave hope and forgiveness. But I also poured on expectations. I have seen the seeds germinate as my children come into their own. They don’t want to disappoint and yet, they feel it all the same. Sustained disappointment leads to bitterness. This I know. Is there still time?

And so I pray, today, to consciously release them and myself from these chains: to live loved.

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Forbearance

Posted in Ordinary Time, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 17, 2011| 1 Comment »

Now here’s a word we don’t use much any more: forbearance. I understand why, it has so many possible meanings, from patience to easy-goingness, to restraint and endurance. It’s actually a type of grace. Forbearance is usually undeserved.

Colossians 3:12-13a, 14
Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive . . . And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

And so, with these definitions in mind, I consider how the power of love can bind this unique grace to the other virtues, how love must be luxuriously forbearing. In fact, all of these virtues only become so when grace or forbearance is present.

According to Luke, Jesus said, “If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even ‘sinners’ love those who love them. And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even ‘sinners’ do that.” [Luke 6:32-33]

Forbearance is a key to virtue. How many paradoxes will I discover for myself before I can actually embrace them? When will I really swim upstream like the salmon? What will finally drive me to act the opposite to every habitual behavior and response in me? When will I forbear instead of rail against those personal injustices, those unlovely remarks, or those exploitations?

To live out true paradox, like forbearance and love, requires the deepest inner strength and self-awareness. Otherwise, the day to day slips into victim-thinking or doormat behavior. Forbearance must be conscious, mindful, intentional, and eventually, after a lot of practice (in the Presence) and interplay with the Holy Spirit, it might become a norm.

Now there’s a great big hairy audacious goal.

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New Self; Old Self

Posted in Ordinary Time, tagged , , , , , , , , , on January 15, 2011| Leave a Comment »

New self is a transaction of the heart and soul. For me, it happened when I accepted and engaged the Christ and invited the tangible presence of the Holy Spirit within. Unfortunately, old self is like a familiar and in some places threadbare winter coat or sweater I am unwilling to permanently discard.

Colossians 3:9-10
Do not lie to one another, for you have stripped off the old (unregenerate) self with its evil practices, And have clothed yourselves with the new [spiritual self], which is [ever in the process of being] renewed and remolded into [fuller and more perfect knowledge upon] knowledge after the image (the likeness) of Him Who created it. [Amplified]

It’s easy to tell that I’m still wearing the old because of the fruit or behaviors.

Last night, I had such an explosion of emotion with my daughter. The F bomb rolled off the tongue like I had never stopped using it. Anger turned to rage and every frustration and resentment bubbled up and over. It was acid.

Oh yes, the old self took back its place and the light of all that is new and self was quenched. No light shone through. It was quite dark inside.

In the light of today, I can see the damage done and how quickly the old coat slipped back into place. God forgive me.

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