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Posts Tagged ‘loss’

Who I Ought to Be?

Posted in Ordinary Time, tagged , , , , , on October 24, 2011| Leave a Comment »

That old Saint Peter can be such a downer. I’m already fighting for air these days and with each little foray in II Peter, I’m given another twirl around the circle of beginnings and endings. My last few years have been working against the “shoulds” and “oughts.” But Peter yanks be back.

II Peter 3:11
Since all these things [universe and earth] are thus in the process of being dissolved, what kind of person ought [each of] you to be [in the meanwhile] in consecrated and holy behavior and devout and godly qualities. . . [Amplified]

Nope. Just can’t go there today. Grace. Grace. Need more grace today.

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Long Lasting Possessions

Posted in Ordinary Time, tagged , , , , , , , , on June 16, 2011| 1 Comment »

“Confiscation of property” goes back a long, long time in the guise of political necessity or religious cleansing. Could I let go of my stuff willingly in the face of injustice?


Hebrews 10:34
You suffered along with those in prison and joyfully accepted the confiscation of your property, because you knew that you yourselves had better and lasting possessions.

As a first generation American, stories abounded at the dinner table about the terrible losses our family and their friends suffered at the hands of both the Nazis and Communists during WWII.

When I met my half-sister for the first time in Latvia, 1997, she regaled me with stories about “our” father in his youth and then the terrible time of flight from oncoming forces, first from the West and then from the East. Karlis, in fear of conscription, fled his farmland and hoped his wife and child would be safe enough. Instead, the communists came through and took the land, giving the women only a few days to gather what they could carry and flee to the city of Riga. Once there, they were never united with my father again, who was caught by the Germans and forced into service as a guard.

They lost everything. This is just one family’s story, but of course, just a quick look at a newspaper shows entire villages fleeing for their lives, bundles piled upon their heads. They take what they can carry and no more.

What would I take? What is the most valuable? Would I lug out my laptop or my hard drive? Albums of pictures? My bible? Which clothes? How much can I really carry? Would I get the cat carriers, the dog leashes, the plant I’ve nurtured over 30 years of marriage?

No. Not really. These are the things of the “matrix.” No matter how tender I may feel toward them all, there is really just life itself and faith in the eternal Spirit.

One of my favorite Ann Tyler books is Ladder of Years: the main character walks away from her family and leaves everything, including them, during a beach vacation. Naturally, she causes her family some chaos and pain and concern, but for me, the tantalizing part is her slow discovery of self without the stuff that had come to rule her identity. She walked until she couldn’t walk anymore. She hitched a ride, she ended up in a boarding house room and there she stayed for a long time. She had nothing. And yet, she had everything she needed to live on.

Sometimes it’s a storm, a Tsunami, a tornado, that takes away our possessions. And there is no way to minimize the dreadful sense of loss. And yet, if life remains, then spirit remains, and anything is possible next.

Will that day of challenge come into my life still? Could be. Yes. Could be.

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A Lament

Posted in Lent, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 24, 2010| 2 Comments »

I think of Paul as a punctilious kind of teacher, quite linearly-minded, regimented, and formal. But then, he surprises me with this verbal requiem over a particular loss he feels in traveling the “new way” in Christ: losing the people and all that was familiar to him to “boldly go” and explore this “strange new world.”

Romans 9:1a, 2
I [Paul] AM speaking the truth in Christ. I am not lying; . . . I have bitter grief and incessant anguish in my heart. [Amplified]

I remember the weeks after I first became a follower of Christ. Even though I was clear about my choice and more than willing to venture forth, I also experienced a type of grief. Who would I be? How would this new way look? Would I lose all of my old friends? Would I have to conform to behaviors that didn’t feel like me because I agreed to follow this Messiah?

But, as the true adventure took hold, a joy and confidence grew within. My spirit was shooting off and I knew, despite any lingering questions and doubts and even grief, this was the way. I started telling everyone my story. But there were only a few who wanted to listen. I had to let go of them because I understood, they were no different than I had been. In the years before my spirit woke up, I had considered the Christian way old-fashioned, ineffectual, narrow-minded, and confining. Their discovery would be in God’s time. I cannot say, even to this day, why the planets aligned and I had that revelation glimpse of Christ. Others would say that I was chosen (one of the elect), but I find that too prideful to say. All have the potential to Christ.

Paul had his own supernatural experience on the road to Damascus and subsequent miracle when his eyesight was restored through the prayer of a man who should have feared being in the same room with Paul, a former enemy because of his faith in Jesus. [Acts 9:10-17] Paul was the least likely conversion.

As I walk through Paul’s writings, his dominant proof message is that Jesus is the long-awaited Messiah. For Paul, this was the whole point! And he could not fathom why his own people didn’t “see” what he saw, didn’t understand what he understood, didn’t accept what he had accepted. They had all the information, the genealogy, the promises, and the prophecies.

But to accept the Messiah meant changing everything. It was easier to keep waiting for the Messiah than to consider he might have come.

My lament is that many people see the trappings of Christianity and cannot project themselves into that perceived lifestyle. They are actually rejecting what they assume it means to become a follower on the Way. But I know now that accepting Christ doesn’t have to “look like that.” The first step is to open the inner door and simply allow God to direct the way.

There is always some loss in change, but there is also gain.

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Viper Bites

Posted in Christmas Through Epiphany, tagged , , , , , , , , on January 6, 2010| 1 Comment »

Even when we’re doing all the right things, we might get a viper bite. Intellectually, I know that life brings all kinds of challenges and we can’t expect the way to be smooth all the time and the key is how we respond to them. Why doesn’t that knowledge make it easier?

Acts 28:3, 5
Paul gathered a pile of brushwood and, as he put it on the fire, a viper, driven out by the heat, fastened itself on his hand….But Paul shook the snake off into the fire and suffered no ill effects.

I feel as though I’m in a good place “spiritually.” In fact, it’s probably the best place I’ve been in a long time. I’m more disciplined in my devotions, I’m reading, I’m praying, I’m confessing my sins, I’m giving and receiving forgiveness. In general, my life circumstances are pretty stable. I’m working, my husband is working and we are both in good health. Our children are almost all graduated from high school (only a year and a half to go).

And yet, we keep getting nipped by things that are disconcerting: 4 car break downs or fender benders in the last month (totally over $3000) and then two trees were felled by the wind ($500 minimum – our deductible). We just discovered our one son will add $2000 to our car insurance annual bill and the other two kids have to repeat their driver’s schools ($700). The crown our daughter had to get after a root canal was not covered by insurance ($1200). And we just maxed out one of our main credit card with a second one on the way. Clearly, the viper in our life is the dollar. Financially, we are living on the edge.

Lord, I confess, we are really terrible at this part. Help! Teach me… teach us how to shake this viper off into the fire.

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Between Two Worlds

Posted in Ordinary Time, tagged , , , , , , , , , , on October 15, 2009| Leave a Comment »

Acts 7:22, 25
Moses was educated in all the wisdom of the Egyptians and was powerful in speech and action… Moses thought that his own people [Israelites] would realize that God was using him to rescue them, but they did not.

I know what it means to be between two worlds… or more. I am a first generation American. My parents arrived in this country in 1951 and, as most immigrants do, they looked for a community of Latvians. They ended up in Indianapolis, Indiana where over 2500 Latvians had settled. Over the years, the Latvians built a community center and had various civic and religious organizations. But, when my father died, we were somewhat ostracized from that community and I never understood why and until much later in life.

You see, my mother is only half Latvian and half German. Her mother was German (as well as her step-mother), and in the end, her sympathies and traditions were more rooted in Germany. She had even “re-patrioted” to Germany before the war, a common practice by anyone with any German heritage. My parents actually met in Germany where my father was a prisoner of war and my mother worked as a translator because she was tri-lingual (German, Latvian & English).

In the end, within that Latvian community in Indianapolis, her Germanic roots and her widow status caused many a cold shoulder. As a result, we gravitated to the American society.

But that was not a smooth assimilation either. We were still foreigners. English was actually my second language as we primarily spoke Latvian in the home until after my father’s death. We were definitely different. My mother had a heavy accent and she had some eccentric ideas to say the least.

We lived between those two worlds, trying to juggle them. We attended events and made friends in both worlds, but we never felt truly a part. My brother and I finally chose one community over the other: we chose to become as American as possible and for many years, we both cast off our Latvian heritage.

My daughter, recently adopted from Russia as a teenager, is going through similar struggles. She doesn’t really fit into either world. Her Russian friends (and extended biological family) see her as a traitor of sorts for moving to this country and her American high school is less than embracing, mocking her accent and loopholes in cultural and language norms (by students as well as teachers). Her pain is palpable.

Moses was raised as an Egyptian… but he was an Israelite. He thought he would be embraced by the Israelites when he discovered his lineage and his background. They did not. His solution was to run away. He went to Midian and raised a family there. His solution was to cast aside both cultures and start over. I can understand that mindset.

We all know the story. God called Moses back to lead his people. God had prepared Moses for this task, specifically by placing one foot in each culture.

Someday, my daughter will discover the power of living and surviving the challenges of two cultures.

For myself, I have been more like Moses and I escaped into a different third world: the Christian world… a culture, up until recent years, all its own. But, like Moses, I feel God calling me back to integration.

I cannot run from the pain of my past. It is all part of who I am and who God wants me to become. All of the choices, the mistakes, as well as the victories and successes, are part of today. Those experiences made my today.

I choose wholeness for myself today… for my daughter… and for anyone who has struggled with any separation within.

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