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Archive for the ‘Grief’ Category

Extravagant Love

Posted in Grief, Lent, tagged , , , , , , , , , on April 2, 2015| Leave a Comment »

Without a doubt, one of my favorite passages, for the story and its implications is Mark 14:3-9:

While he was in Bethany, reclining at the table in the home of Simon the Leper, a woman came with an alabaster jar of very expensive perfume, made of pure nard. She broke the jar and poured the perfume on his head. Some of those present were saying indignantly to one another, “Why this waste of perfume? It could have been sold for more than a year’s wages and the money given to the poor.” And they rebuked her harshly.

“Leave her alone,” said Jesus. “Why are you bothering her? She has done a beautiful thing to me. The poor you will always have with you, and you can help them any time you want. But you will not always have me. She did what she could. She poured perfume on my body beforehand to prepare for my burial. Truly I tell you, wherever the gospel is preached throughout the world, what she has done will also be told, in memory of her.”

mary and nardThis act speaks volumes and as Jesus said, her story would be told throughout time. Here we are, two thousand years later, and her sacrifice is still included in the Easter story. In today’s dollars, pure nard would probably cost about $3000/ounce. The amount she used, which had been saved for her own burial (or her family), was about twelve times that. She gave it all, without reserve.

She gave out of her love for Jesus. She gave our of her innate understanding of who he was (my own interpretation). She gave because He was more valuable to her than any material thing. She gave without thought for anyone else. She broke many rules that day. She offended many. She probably shamed a few. But she acted with resolve and humility.

And me? Not so much. I rarely exhibit extravagance in my devotion. I am exuberant and I am big-natured and flamboyant, but not in the arena of worldly possessions. I see it daily now as I examine every detail of my home. I have to move. I have to give away or throw away all the non-essentials. Even that is hard to do. And here, Mary, gave not her “non-essentials” but her most valuable possession.

Oh, dear Lord. Forgive my materialism, my 21st century pragmatism and self-preservation.

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Fighting Anxiety

Posted in Grief, Lent, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 26, 2015| 2 Comments »

anxietyHistorically, I have not been an anxious person but when I checked the definition, I recognize a build up of some anxiety over the last few months, understandable I suppose, as a relatively new widow. The future carries a lot of unknowns that have generated emotionally charged days. Anxiety is a state of mind created from an expectation of future threat. I get that, totally, as they say. But I am told, instead:

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. [Phillipans 4:6-7, NIV]

The essential information here is that anxiety can be pushed back successfully, but not by trying to “not be anxious.” Instead, I am encouraged to actively transfer my anxious feelings into and onto the Holy Spirit, that Presence within, that gift of God, who is willing to apply a strong filter. The future is still unknown and filled with dangers even, but a God perspective minimizes its impact and ability to cause actual anxiety.

It’s important to ask for help. That’s where the prayer part fits in.

grief angelI believe God is actually OK with me learning how to handle some difficult situations (as part of maturing). The more time and energy I spend with God, the more I am able to walk with God, be more like God, and dwell in the Presence of Christ’s Spirit. But, it’s important to keep tabs on this relationship. My tendency has been to blunder along and convince myself that I can do it all, I can manage, I can handle hard feelings and I can make lots of decisions, all the while working full time and running a household (at least, what’s left of it). That’s the old me who used her busyness and quick thinking and “bull in a china shop” approach to everything in order to side-step the anxiety, a fear of failure, overwhelming loss and grief.

That will not work this time. I have discovered that I, too, can drop into a kind of general malaise that manifests as anxiety that is peppered with muscular tension, restlessness, fatigue, and problems in concentration.

So, I’m asking God. Right now. I’m asking for that transcendent Jesus to go to work now. Thanks.

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Loving My Neighbor

Posted in Grief, Lent, tagged , , , , , , on March 18, 2015| Leave a Comment »

Collage art by Tema Okun

Collage art by Tema Okun

Before Mike died, I struggled with “loving” others who were in grief situations. I kept thinking, I don’t know what to do, how can I help? But then, I saw the simple truth of it. Jesus already told us what to do, not only in the “golden rule” [Matthew 7:12] but in one of the greatest commandments: Love your neighbor as yourself.

Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.” [Matthew 22:37-40, CEB]

So, this is what others did for me while I floundered about in the days and weeks after Mike’s death:

  • Sat in my house and waited for me the first night, so I wouldn’t be alone.
  • Dog-sat my pups in their home while the household was in chaos.
  • Cleaned my house.
  • Stocked my pantry with paper goods.
  • Not just brought meals, but coordinated them.
  • Created to-do lists.
  • Made phone calls. Filtered phone calls.
  • Went grocery shopping for me.
  • Filed my paperwork and cleaned my home office.
  • Kept my kitchen clean and clear.
  • Made meals for extended family.
  • Offered guest rooms for extended family.
  • Drove to the airport. Again and again.
  • Made breakfast.
  • Stocked me up with breakfast foods and coffee.
  • Shoveled snow. Again and again.
  • Took me out to lunch.
  • Created memory posters and organized photographs.
  • Offered to create a scrapbook of sympathy cards.
  • Took truckloads to the dump.
  • Delivered donations.
  • Sold two of my cars and found a replacement.
  • Stocked us up with pet food.
  • Took pictures.
  • Gave me rides, even when I could have driven myself.
  • Listened.
  • Sat with me.
  • Cried with me.
  • Sang to me.
  • Sent follow up cards to check in.
  • Invited me over for dinner. Just me. Even though, it was just me.
  • Brought over little kids who made me laugh.
  • Took the little kids home again.
  • Fixed my toilet. And then the second one. Oh, and the third one.
  • Came over to play games just for fun. Played cards.
  • Did my laundry.

The list goes on actually. There are still many people teaching me what to do the next time. The things people did were simple and often times, quick. But they all meant so much. They still mean so much.

Yup. I get it. I can love you like this too. It’s another way to serve one another. And maybe, just maybe, once I find to strength to love my near neighbor, my heart will reach further away.

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Three Things

Posted in Grief, Lent, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 13, 2015| Leave a Comment »

First of all, then, I ask that requests, prayers, petitions, and thanksgiving be made for all people. [I Timothy 2:1, CEB]

While preparing for Lent, I did a lot of reading on the Internet and among the many posts and essays I read, I was taken by two questions (in the spirit of thanks):

  1. What are 3 things I can thankful for in my life today? and
  2. Who are 3 people I can be thankful to have in my life and why?

I think these are good questions we should ask ourselves periodically (if not every day). And so I dedicate this post to them today.

Three Things

  1. healthI am thankful for my health. I suppose that’s a natural thing at my age. The last time I went out to dinner with some of my same-age friends, we did find ourselves bemoaning our aches and pains and talking about our regular we were or weren’t. All of us have had at least one if not two of the required colonoscopies. Absurd in its truth. And yet, I am still grateful. I still have energy and even some to burn. My aches are still minor, I am mobile and can exercise. I am not particularly physical or particularly fit, but I’m not a couch potato nor am I a slug. The last time I went for testing, the nurse was surprised that I only have one (now two) prescriptions which I must take every day, the rest are vitamins by choice. Yah. I’m thankful for grace that keeps me well.
  2. librarianI am thankful for my career. As a librarian I am among people who are interesting and challenging intellectually as well as caring and service-oriented. I am an extrovert among introverts, but I have a significant role among them. As a manager, I have learned patience and tolerance and respect. I have learned to let go of some of my “controlling” nature and watched others grow as a result. My work varies from day to day and year to year. I work and live in my community and as a result, I am known. There is a comfort in this work and I feel appreciated. And of course, I thankful for being gainfully employed which, at this juncture in my life, is critical.
  3. I am thankful for our home. For me, this thanks is bittersweet, as the “house” I have called home for the last 17 years will have to be sold since I can no longer afford it on my new widow’s budget. But it has been a place of warmth and joy, a broad space nestled near a wood where small animals wander and birds nest. Our house is the dream house of a little girl who grew up in a white ghetto where boarders shared our one bathSONY DSCroom and neighbors brawled in the alleys. This house, with its many rooms, was big enough for everyone to have a private space and for children to run outside at any time of day or evening to safely play. This house was big enough to embrace visitors and family and even my elderly mother who died in this house. And my husband, too, died in this house. And several pets. The memories are strong here. We shared half of our married life here and adopted and raised our children here. So many blessings.

Three People

  1. mikeI am thankful for Mike, my husband, with whom I lived for half of my life and who I lost to a heart attack just three months ago, today. We knew each other well. We accepted one another “as is.” We gave up trying to fix each other. We lived an honest life. He was often hard to live with, but he felt the same about me. We disagree on many things, but we agreed we never separate. We honored covenant. And for this, we were secure. I was blessed to know him. And I grieve the loss of him still. And will, I know, for a long time.
  2. SONY DSCI am thankful for my children, of course. Now that they are young adults, they bring a new dimension to my life. And they have journeyed the sorrow of these months with me and they have each matured in inexplicable ways. From being more attentive and helpful to including me more in their lives. I am blessed by their laughter as well as their tears. I am loved and they give me plenty of opportunities to love them back. They want “family” to continue. Whether near or far, they are ever present in my mind and heart and prayers. As they begin to move into their own lives, I cover them in blessings, not only my own, but the ones that their father would say over them as well.
  3. SONY DSCI am thankful for my friend, Kathy, who was with me on the day that Mike died, who spoke into my pain and into my heart and held them both without reserve. We have been friends even longer, since college, we are only seven years shy of a “golden” anniversary. Friendship of this kind is irreplaceable. And really, is she any less family? I don’t think so. For she, too, knows me. And I am grateful for a woman-place to share my thoughts, my complaints, my joys. Our time has been full of all things: weddings, funerals, births, and graduations. We have transitioned together from hot chicks to wise women and everything in between.

Thank you God for this day and this time in my life. Thank you for the memories as well as the future. Thank you for the things and thank you for the people.

And now, you. Give thanks.

 

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Sacrifice of Thanks Giving

Posted in Grief, Lent, tagged , , , , , , , , , on March 12, 2015| Leave a Comment »

Instead of reading my post, you may want to read a lovely essay of the same title by Joy Mosbarger. She captures very clearly the idea of “sacrificing an offering of thanks.” Unlike many of the sacrifices in Old Testament times, 9she writes) the thanks offering, given freely, was shared by God, the priests, and the giver. And more, for the remaining meat was shared with the family of the giver. A thank offering was shared in community. How cool is that?

fragrant worshipI Iove the Lord because he hears
my requests for mercy.
I’ll call out to him as long as I live,
because he listens closely to me. . . .
So I’ll offer a sacrifice of thanksgiving to you,
and I’ll call on the Lord’s name.  [Psalm 116:1-2, 17, CEB]

That’s a lot of food for thought. I have been contemplating this idea of giving thanks all week and now, I am challenged even further, to share my gratefulness with others. Of course, just talking and writing about it, is one way. But, that work, outside of keeping up late at night or calling me from my bed earlier in the morning, is not much of a sacrifice. What else?

For Ms. Mosbarger, it was donating funds to a child who suffered from the same disease she had; for her, a way to say thank you God for helping me, now take from my abundance of thanks, and touch another life.

Many people have been reaching out to me in this way. I can see the framework of their thanks to God in their giving to me. This makes sense. So many around me have known losses and grief. And for those who were touched by others in their sorrow, they now reach out to me. Thank you. And eventually, I will do the same. Not just yet. I see it ahead, just can’t breathe freely in that kind of peace and acceptance inside.

Photo by Debbie "SalemCat" at DeviantArt

Photo by Debbie “SalemCat” at DeviantArt

So, I suppose, I am walking the road to Jerusalem, where I will lay it down. My God is patient.

One last tidbit from the other article: when all had eaten their full that day of meat and bread, whether it was the priest or family members, whatever was left over was destroyed. The thank offering was an event in time and space, almost like a great celebration (like a wedding or birthday), the revelry was rich and full but it also had a beginning and an end. It was a decision to give that special offering on that particular day. I like this idea.

In some ways, I suppose the American holiday of Thanksgiving could stand in for such a day. But I’m feeling the call of God to pick my own day. When I am ready. And I will invite you to be there with me, you have held my heart and soul in your prayers. I thank you. I thank God for mercy and grace.

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Thanks, I Mean It

Posted in Grief, Lent, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , on March 8, 2015| Leave a Comment »

grateful heartSaying “thank you” should not be just a polite expression or automated response. When the words come from the heart, they can germinate and roots will strengthen them. The words sound differently when they bubble up from the truth center of our selves, and as a result, they have the power to reach into the hearts of others. True thanksgiving is compelling. But, ya gotta mean it.

Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. [I Thessalonians 5:16-18, NIV] and The Lord does look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart. [I Samuel 16:7b, NIV]

When expressing thanks to another person, I think it’s important to make eye contact to reveal one’s intent, an acknowledgment and appreciation for the efforts of another. It is an I/Thou interaction. Another way of saying this: when a person feels thanks and shares that thankfulness with another, there is an exchange of energy and recognition, much like saying, “I see you and you see me.” It is the simplest form of gratefulness.

surrender 1God asks no less. Acknowledge Me, appreciate what I-God has given to You-Human, celebrate gratefulness, and express all of it with thanks. Trust Me.

No doubt, when circumstances are difficult, I tend to withhold thanks. I make assumptions and judgments: no, not this, no, this is a bad day, no, this is a bad choice, no, this is too sad, no, this is too painful. And so I reject the situation and look for another. I decide on my own that this is not the way I want to go, that this can’t be the path God intended me to take. I’m outta here.

But there is more loss; I’ve missed important lessons along the way because I ran, I eluded, I buried my head in the sand.

aloneI am facing such a time again, this newly minted widowhood. Can I find an inner thanks, a genuine “yes” to God, despite the tears, the loss, and the anxieties? Can I surrender into gratefulness? Can I fight off disappointment?

Little by little. Little by little. I must. I can. I will.

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Giving is Paying Forward

Posted in Grief, Lent, tagged , , , , , , , , , on March 5, 2015| 1 Comment »

Toll 05192008 cdbToday, within my Lenten Devotional for 2015, I shared a poem I found on the Internet called Pennsylvania Turnpike by Shawn Self because he expresses so well a small but significant experience when someone paid it forward for him, just for him. We never know when a small gesture might change a life.

You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’ But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also. And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well. If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles. Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you. [Matthew 5:38-42, NIV]

We can’t always know where the giving will lead. When Mike died, there was a stream of giving that I could not have fathomed. People with whom I rarely socialize, came out of the proverbial woodwork, and stepped into the chaos with their gifts of time, money, food, and even a mop and bucket to clean up the floor where Mike fell. Another group of people took my dogs into their homes and another set drove a total of eight hours in the middle of the night to pick me up and bring me home from New York. Another group wrapped their arms around my young adult children who never, ever imagined that would encounter death in this way. Each and every person paid it forward. To this day, my gratefulness is beyond measure. And the giving has not stopped in these ten weeks of sorrow. dog and horse

Every time we “pay” it forward by giving in the moment, for the moment, God is in it. Don’t hold back. This could be the day your action, like the rudder of a ship, turns a life around.

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