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Archive for the ‘Random Thoughts’ Category

Crying Out in Silence

Posted in Grief, Lectionary, Ordinary Time, Random Thoughts, tagged , , , , , , , on June 5, 2015| 2 Comments »

tentWe don’t cry out much anymore. I mean, if I cried out from that deepest place, I’d probably be put in a straitjacket. So much. Just started pulling out of muck and felt a bit of hope again, then another disappointment, another unexpected challenge. I understand why people drown. Too much water.

Out of the depths I cry to you, Lord;
     Lord, hear my voice.
Let your ears be attentive
    to my cry for mercy. . .
I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits,
    and in his word I put my hope.
I wait for the Lord
    more than watchmen wait for the morning,
    more than watchmen wait for the morning. [Psalm 130:1-2, 5-6]

I have my faith. Relax.

But I am crying out, down in that private place only God knows about; the place I reserve for tear collecting, the place I hide, the place I wait. No one can really tell. It’s small and protected. Like a fantasy tale, that place changes shape depending on my state of heart. Sometimes, like today, it’s covered in sound absorbing quilts. Not a black hole yet.

 

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Study is Not Devotion

Posted in Random Thoughts, tagged , , , , , , , , on July 22, 2013| 3 Comments »

prioritiesThis summer, I have moved most of my writing energy to a new online project called Bible Study Together. It started as a request from my pastor to experiment with creating a Bible Study through a Facebook group. That venue proved problematic because of the way the posts bounce around when a person comments on a particular post. As a result, I moved everything to the blog which has proved far more successful.

The process is quite different from devotional work and although the learning and appreciation I have for the book of Ephesians has grown immeasurably, I would not say it has enhanced my quiet time.

How do people balance all of the possibilities? I never seem able to get the percentages right. I enjoy new experiences but they come at a cost. My home environment has reached “chaos” standing, particularly the office. With the kids all in “adulthood” but still living at home, there is a scatteredness to our schedules that makes dinners or “family” time an anomaly. Church time now has additional responsibilities and it is rare to find time for reflection. Besides, our services aren’t even structured for that. I knew that going in.

I remember going on a personal retreat to a convent. It was a wonderful experience in the end, but it took a full day and a half before I really managed to settle into a routine of true contemplation and prayer. The first hours I slept heavily or made lists of all the things I needed to do when I got back. My mind whirred.

So, here I am, making myself another promise: two more weeks of the study and I’ll get back to my first love. But who knows, really, what the next two weeks will hold?

 

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Walk, Stand, Sit

Posted in Random Thoughts, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 23, 2012| Leave a Comment »

Here’s a few questions I find myself pondering: where do I walk? Where do I stand? and Where do I sit? I mean, in my every day life, am I putting myself in harm’s way, despite being unengaged? Am I assuming that my lack of a direct encounter with the “enemy” means I am unaffected by the surround? Does passivity promise protections (forgive the alliteration)? Apparently not.


Psalm 1:1-2
Blessed is the one
who does not walk in step with the wicked
or stand in the way that sinners take
or sit in the company of mockers,
but whose delight is in the law of the Lord,
and who meditates on his law day and night. [NIV]

Funny, I had forgotten about the old Watchman Nee (1957) book called Sit, Walk, Stand, which has a slightly different take on these same words with different order and as a result, a different emphasis: sitting as rest in God (finding strength there), to walk in trust and perseverance, and then to stand in faith to end. All valid points.

But I am taking the psalmists interpretation of these words to heart. This first verse is really a series of 3 “do not’s” and the more active “do” is quite simple: meditate on the Word. That’s prayer, that’s consciousness, that’s intentional.

Our pastor tries to give us “action” steps each week and this is mine for myself:

  • Watch where I am walking; look around; examine the stimuli around me; where am I headed and why; use the time well.
  • Stand on solid surfaces on purpose; be centered and grounded; be aware of the temperature and the environment; use the time well.
  • Sit alertly; notice what I am watching (as in television) or listening to (as in radio); where do my eyes wander and am I judging the others “walking” by? Use the time well.

For example, yesterday, I ran several errands throughout the day and while waiting for my daughter to finish her hair and doctor’s appointments, I wasted the time with Sudoku and Words with Friends. Or, in the evening, I watched a show on television I had already seen, but was too lazy to either change the channel or go to bed. My reasoning? I don’t watch TV that much, so I can afford to just “veg.” I’m not saying I can’t do those things, but in most of those cases, I just did them by default. I didn’t choose, I just allowed. Wasting time is OK as long as it’s intentional. But if it’s not, then really, the time is being stolen from me.

And lastly, I considered this idea of “meditating.” I’ve struggled with this idea before. After all, who hasn’t read Brother Lawrence’s Practice the Presence of God? (If you missed it, go to the library.) I was always a little numb after reading it. That’s impossible. I can’t do it. I can’t pray without ceasing. My life is too full.

And so, with all the “I cannnot’s” rolling around in my head, I can excuse any effort whatsoever.

But a couple of years ago, I challenged myself with praying the Hours and although it was difficult, I had some success. And looking back? It made a difference. And now, I’m thinking, maybe just a single verse in a single day, a popular verse, so that I’m not overwhelmed with memorization or some such, just a thrum, a slight little thing to repeat when I am quiet, before I click on the app.

You won’t believe it, but there’s actually a website called, Top Verses: The Bible, Sorted. Perfect. The top, most referenced verse on the web is no surprise, John 3:16; so that’s my verse for today. And when they sort the Psalms, verse 1:1 is near the top, the same verse that challenged me today as I start my next drive through the Word, through Psalms. I’m digging for God again.

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Climbing Back Up

Posted in Random Thoughts, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 18, 2012| 4 Comments »

I understand the command to pray, or to “call out” to God; I understand “asking” for help; I understand the concept of blessings and the intent of intercession. I know there are answered prayers and there are unanswered prayers. I know it is implied and implored. It is a discipline and a state of being. It is a foundation of faith. I know these things. And yet, my prayer life diminished. I am hollow in prayer. My prayer has become relegated to the emergency and no longer the essence of my day and breath. I was there and now I am not. I was deep and now I am shallow again.

I was floating in the deep waters. I am back in the sand and it is low tide, the water of life seeming to retreat.

I have not recovered from the ending of my project in study and prayer and writing. That held me close but once the regimen was removed, my house collapsed. There is a sorrow now in me. And flagging sense of loss once more. An attack of remorse and disappointment that is hard to shake.

I skied up and down some great mountains and hills and my momentum kept me going for a long time. But now, I am on a wide plateau and there is no motor, no synergy, no muse, no battery pack. There is only the craggy rocks before me with no guide wires. I am looking for the first hand hold, the first leap, the first small goal to reach in order to begin with a sense of possibility.

To do first. . . to pray . . . to read . . . to serve . . . to wait . . . ?

Like an alcoholic who was doing so well and then drinks again, so have I been. There is nothing left but to slog back again to authentic sobriety, which for me, is authentic spirituality.

I took a vacation from my inner self, expecting the connection to remain open and instead found my inner spirit roaming like my cell phone, and now, out of power. Plug in, sure. But to what first?

I think it’s prayer. I think it’s stillness. I think. Breathe. Breathe.

Just a little worried. This time.

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Why Did They Follow Him?

Posted in Random Thoughts, tagged , , , , , , , on August 5, 2012| Leave a Comment »

Of course, we know why a lot of them followed Jesus. He was healing the sick, and at the beginning of his mission/ministry, he was healing them all. He was a sensation! Who wouldn’t follow? Don’t we do the same today? Don’t we follow the wondrous . . . the unbelievable . . . the news worthy . . . the tragedies . . . and the inexplicable?

Matthew 4:24-25
News about him spread all over Syria, and people brought to him all who were ill with various diseases, those suffering severe pain, the demon-possessed, those having seizures, and the paralyzed; and he healed them.Large crowds from Galilee, the Decapolis,Jerusalem, Judea and the region across the Jordan followed him.

If Jesus was doing the same thing today that he was doing back then, he wouldn’t just have a few hundred or thousand following, he would have millions through the Internet and media. It would be a real circus.

He had only just started his ministry according to Matthew. He was making the circuit around Galilee, stopping into various synagogues along the way and teaching about the kingdom of God being near and close at hand. (It was thirty square miles.) He had headed back home to Nazareth first, got shut out of his home church and then headed to Capernaum (via Cana) where his reputation both followed and preceded him. His notoriety started heating up pretty fast.

Currently, we’re in Olympics fever from London, and I marvel as I watch the various athletes exhibit their best efforts while being followed by a slew of reporters and cameramen. There are remote cameras following them above the water as well as along the track. There are satellite cameras and there are long lenses poking out from every corner. Every movement, every tear, every laugh or smile, is caught on camera. Every win, whether by a long shot or a hair’s breadth, is captured.

Can you imagine the cameras capturing the healings of the Christ? Who would interpret? Who would be the pundits? Who would get the first interview? What would the witnesses say? How long would the healed person be followed around by reporters, perhaps looking for a fake? Where would Jesus go to avoid the constant barrage of both the needy people as well as the rubber-neckers? Where would Jesus go to bypass the media? And who would know the truth? Would we believe what we saw on camera? Would we follow Him on Fox News or NPR? Would we snatch up People magazine to see the pictures of someone rising from the dead? Or would we pick up the Inquirer in the grocery line that exposes Jesus as a fraud?

What keeps me following Him today? Is it the scripture stories? Is it the fellow believers? Is it my circumstances, once dire, and now more stable? Is it the miraculous or the mundane? Is it the charismatic pastor or the throbbing music beat at church?

There were times in my journey when I longed to see and experience more of this Jesus/Holy Spirit, not unlike the fantastic descriptions in scripture, written and retold, and then sustained by faith and repetition through the centuries. I wanted a miracle! Each decade in the 20th century has brought various phenomena, from speaking in tongues, to falling in the spirit, to laughing in the spirit, to prophetic utterances, to spontaneous healings, to golden dust falling on the faithful. Each manifestation brought thousands into a place and time, who like the followers of Jesus, wanted to see, hear, and feel, a tangible presence of God. And although it was often fleeting, many were not disappointed. At least, not at first. But then the phenomena passed, the touched people moved on, the crowds thinned, and we looked for the next manifestation.

But who/what did we follow? The miracles or the person? Who did they follow? The miracles or the person?

And all the while. The kingdom was near and still is. The kingdom is within us; in our midst. [Luke 17:21] Here. Everything needed is right here. Right now.

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Bait the Hook

Posted in Random Thoughts, tagged , , , , , , , , , on July 31, 2012| Leave a Comment »

Illustration by Brain Danaher

I’m not much into fishing. In fact, I’d say I’ve gone fishing exactly one time. This metaphor for drawing people to the Christ doesn’t exactly resonate. My view of fishing: get some equipment, pick/find a spot, bait the hook, throw it out and wait; get a nibble and yank like crazy. Lose fish. Start over.

Matthew 4:19-20
As He was walking by the Sea of Galilee, He noticed two brothers, Simon who is called Peter and Andrew his brother, throwing a dragnet into the sea, for they were fishermen. And He said to them, Come after Me [as disciples—letting Me be your Guide], follow Me, and I will make you fishers of men! [Amplified]

What’s the attraction for fishing? I see people fishing off our town dock all the time. Sometimes in small groups, sometimes alone, sometimes with a kid-relative. When I go on vacation, there are signs everywhere for bait (apparently different bait works with different fish – I got that much). And the first time I actually walked around the fishing department of a sports store, I was shocked. There were so many different lures and poles and gadgets. Did these actually make someone a better fisherman or just high tech?

But let’s go back to the message behind the metaphor. Jesus was talking to fishermen who used nets. It was more like a drop it in and haul ’em out kind of fishing. The expectation was that “human fish” would be hauled in by the hundreds and even thousands. I wonder if the fishermen-disciples started out expecting some additional equipment.

In the end, the fishing was done quite differently: travel, talk, share, teaching, listen, accept, and invite. The bait was love. Only one kind: unconditional.

Some people still think fishing for people requires a lot of extra stuff like buildings and hot worship music and lights and video and an “online presence.” Are people so different today? Or are we just in a hurry?

Peter was in a hurry. By the time he got to the day of Pentecost, he was bringing in believers by the net full. But in the end, despite the initial haul, the most effective method was still travel (go to where the fish are), talking (give and take conversation), sharing (give what you have and can), teaching (what you’ve learned long the way), listening (everyone has a story), accepting (practicing the art of non-judgment), inviting (live life together) and love (do, act, and touch in their best interests).

In God’s time, I am fishing every time I with someone, every time I engage with someone, every time I touch someone, every time I share space with another human being. My success as a fisher-woman is my commitment to handing out the bait.

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John and Cousin Jesus

Posted in Random Thoughts, tagged , on July 23, 2012| Leave a Comment »

I always wondered how well John the Baptist and Jesus knew each other. After all, Mary and Elizabeth were cousins and knew each other well enough that Mary went to visit Elizabeth while she was pregnant. I’m thinking they were well aware of one another from the beginning. Mothers talk!

Matthew 3:13-15a
Then Jesus came from Galilee to the Jordan to be baptized by John. 14 But John tried to deter him, saying, “I need to be baptized by you, and do you come to me?” Jesus replied, “Let it be so now . . .

Now, in the first chapter of John, he is reported as saying that he did not know Jesus, but I think he meant Jesus as the Son of God, anointed to be the Messiah. This I can see was revealed to him on that day perhaps.

But in my imagination, I like to think they had conversations about the future of the world and the hope of Israel. I can imagine John as terribly passionate about that time in history and the sense that God was moving and times were changing. John’s own birth story is a miracle story. He knew he was called to something unique and special. I could even imagine him saying to Jesus, “Come with me to the desert; let’s seek out God’s will.” Instead, they parted, John into the wilderness and Jesus continuing the quiet life within his family circle.

What was Jesus waiting for? We’ll never know. And yet, once John the Baptist was fully engaged in his prophetic ministry, completing a “type” of the Mikveh (in my imagination), Jesus decided that he too would have a starting point. The time came and he went to John, to the living waters of the river, and then, right away, he also went into the wilderness. The seeking of God seems associated with the experience of the wilderness.

Timing is everything. I know I have jumped the gun many times and stepped ahead of myself. Waiting is hard. Waiting feels passive and unproductive. But really, is it?

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